Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Split personality

I'm at the WHY do I bother?! part. I have so many ideas, plans, obstacles to conquer and just writing this sentence I've been interrupted 5 times. H won't sleep, I don't know why.

I feel split down the middle between parent and artist. I can't help the art part, it won't go away- if I don't feed it it gets worse. During the bad times it feels like a demon mafia demanding its kick back. The good times are of course good, and satisfying and make me feel all is right with the world- which for jaded cynical me is really saying something. As pushy as the drive to create, produce and express is, it really has nothing on the pushy needs and wants of my children. And they should come first, thats not my point.

Theres a minuscule line between art and self, and if I don't nurture the art, I loose the self starting with the mind. I need to do work, but it is so hard to do the work. Thus the WHY do I bother?!

When H was born, coming up to 5 years ago, I told myself I'd take some time off. I took about 2 years off, started to get into the swing of things- learned how to be an artist and a mother- then S came. People do it, they have kids, they create art. From the outside it may appear that I'm doing it too, I have kids, I have done some work- but it doesn't feel like enough, and I can't get myself out there the way I should be.

Christ in the morning, theres H calling me again.

I don't mean to complain- I love that I have this time with the girls, I know I'm lucky to be able to spend this time with them. I try to tell myself to wait on this work stuff- there will be time for that. I still feel split.

Amy Stein
has a show at the Print Center right now that I want to get down to. Its called Domesticated- I think its meant more as a commentary of humans coexisting with the wild- but the first image I saw was a suburban house with wolves in the trash outside and I really related to it. (No, not just because of my animals in the trash obsession of late.) It made me think of this split thats in me.

She's giving a lecture next week that I'll try to get down to also- but know that I'll be sick to my stomach with why aren't I doing what shes doing? Why aren't I there yet?

I'll remind myself that I haven't showered, can't believe I left the house the way I did today, haven't gone up to the studio because of an hour of back and forth up and down stairs saying 'no, you can't sleep in mommydaddy bed'. That tonight I made dinner with 2 kids running in circles around my legs, trying to climb on top of the refrigerator, and into the oven, and just when I thought if it got any more chaotic I'd start crying, Ruby came up to me and vomited what looked to be a bucket full of water with a couple Cheerios and some sticks in it at my feet. Thats why.

No, I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't trade it. I just want it all. Please.


Katydid said...

F! I get it. I get it. I'm sorry.

Laurie said...

Yup. The previous identity needs to somehow merge with the new.
This was my take on Mommahood and Writer-hood.

Embracing the Role of Mom

I'm still working towards that balance but I'm pretty sure she'll be voting age before I get there.

Laurie said...

and by the rock. Your blog is wonderful. I really appreciate your take on things...