I'm at the WHY do I bother?! part. I have so many ideas, plans, obstacles to conquer and just writing this sentence I've been interrupted 5 times. H won't sleep, I don't know why.
I feel split down the middle between parent and artist. I can't help the art part, it won't go away- if I don't feed it it gets worse. During the bad times it feels like a demon mafia demanding its kick back. The good times are of course good, and satisfying and make me feel all is right with the world- which for jaded cynical me is really saying something. As pushy as the drive to create, produce and express is, it really has nothing on the pushy needs and wants of my children. And they should come first, thats not my point.
Theres a minuscule line between art and self, and if I don't nurture the art, I loose the self starting with the mind. I need to do work, but it is so hard to do the work. Thus the WHY do I bother?!
When H was born, coming up to 5 years ago, I told myself I'd take some time off. I took about 2 years off, started to get into the swing of things- learned how to be an artist and a mother- then S came. People do it, they have kids, they create art. From the outside it may appear that I'm doing it too, I have kids, I have done some work- but it doesn't feel like enough, and I can't get myself out there the way I should be.
Christ in the morning, theres H calling me again.
I don't mean to complain- I love that I have this time with the girls, I know I'm lucky to be able to spend this time with them. I try to tell myself to wait on this work stuff- there will be time for that. I still feel split.
Amy Stein has a show at the Print Center right now that I want to get down to. Its called Domesticated- I think its meant more as a commentary of humans coexisting with the wild- but the first image I saw was a suburban house with wolves in the trash outside and I really related to it. (No, not just because of my animals in the trash obsession of late.) It made me think of this split thats in me.
She's giving a lecture next week that I'll try to get down to also- but know that I'll be sick to my stomach with why aren't I doing what shes doing? Why aren't I there yet?
I'll remind myself that I haven't showered, can't believe I left the house the way I did today, haven't gone up to the studio because of an hour of back and forth up and down stairs saying 'no, you can't sleep in mommydaddy bed'. That tonight I made dinner with 2 kids running in circles around my legs, trying to climb on top of the refrigerator, and into the oven, and just when I thought if it got any more chaotic I'd start crying, Ruby came up to me and vomited what looked to be a bucket full of water with a couple Cheerios and some sticks in it at my feet. Thats why.
No, I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't trade it. I just want it all. Please.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Shoes and art
I am starting to feel insane. I am shoe obsessed and trolling the internet for the shoe in my minds eye which I'm thinking doesn't exist. The most awesomist of shoes I just saw is only in toddler sizes. Dark brown suede with bright red faux fur trim.
This reminds me of something I was thinking about tonight while the girls were in the bath with some bath crayons they got for Christmas. I was watching these naturally born muralists, (and trying not to freak out about the grout because the bath crayons DO stain the grout "Don't color on the lines! Only in the squares!") What I was wondering is this: is everyone born an artist? That is painting things with a very broad brush- but a lot of kids are artistic, they all have art supplies. When does it stop? This is a bite off more than I can chew question, that I will have to revisit.
My kids are so artistic it freaks me out. H is going to need her own studio soon, and has already taken up one of my flat file drawers, and that after serious guilt ridden editing. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, a drawer, but they are very big drawers. I am admittedly stingy with them. S is right there with the 1,000 masterpieces a day- I can't give up 2 drawers. I won't!
J said, on the way home from my mom's house on Christmas, after we had loaded up the car with a giant tool box full of craft supplies- "Why isn't anyone giving them medical books?"
****
Just walked into the living room, where S is sitting on the couch with her monkey, her 2 kitties AND the 'hard' kitty with the tiara. It was cute at first, this collecting. At what point is it hording? Should I be worried?
This reminds me of something I was thinking about tonight while the girls were in the bath with some bath crayons they got for Christmas. I was watching these naturally born muralists, (and trying not to freak out about the grout because the bath crayons DO stain the grout "Don't color on the lines! Only in the squares!") What I was wondering is this: is everyone born an artist? That is painting things with a very broad brush- but a lot of kids are artistic, they all have art supplies. When does it stop? This is a bite off more than I can chew question, that I will have to revisit.
My kids are so artistic it freaks me out. H is going to need her own studio soon, and has already taken up one of my flat file drawers, and that after serious guilt ridden editing. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, a drawer, but they are very big drawers. I am admittedly stingy with them. S is right there with the 1,000 masterpieces a day- I can't give up 2 drawers. I won't!
J said, on the way home from my mom's house on Christmas, after we had loaded up the car with a giant tool box full of craft supplies- "Why isn't anyone giving them medical books?"
****
Just walked into the living room, where S is sitting on the couch with her monkey, her 2 kitties AND the 'hard' kitty with the tiara. It was cute at first, this collecting. At what point is it hording? Should I be worried?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Dogs and kids
This is why I love dogs. Because when I jump up and yell in excitement that the first bird seed wreath I intend to give those even mildly interested in birds for Christmas actually came out of its mold, the dogs jump up and down with me and seem genuinely excited. My four year old daughter says "mom this is boring, I want to watch a movie." Already with this shit?! And THEN she didn't want to get her HANDS dirty! Who is this kid?
Oh yes I did just compare my kids to my dogs.
As time goes on I care less and less about a) what people think and b) what it means that I often treat my children like puppies. Before I had kids, I really did worry whether I would love them as much as the dogs. I even worried if I'd think my babies were as cute as puppies! (Needless to say, I do and did)
I read somewhere that an adult dog has the understanding and behavior of a 2 year old child. I'm not sure I buy that- now that I'm on my second 2 year old, I think the kids are smarter than the dogs. I do know my kids are kids and my dogs are dogs- the kids don't wear leashes, the dogs don't eat at the table- I can't say the kids don't eat out of the dog bowls, but I can say that's not where their dinner is served.
That said, there is some overlapping
1) I whistle for my kids (and my husband) in a crowd the same way I do the dogs. It works.
2) "reward the behavior you want" the dogs don't get the treat until they sit, neither do the kids.
3) I have often wished I had one of those treat cubes for the kids. These are recommended for dogs with separation anxiety, a treat is put inside a maze cube, and the dog pushes it around and works to get it out, and is therefore distracted from whatever its upset about. I have thought about getting one for them, but it kind of crosses the imaginary 'whats ok in my mind' line. This goes back to the kids smarter than dogs thing, too.
4) When H was a baby, I managed to silence the room in our mothers group get together by suggesting one of the moms shop at a pet store to find more of the squeaky toy her daughter was happily gnawing on.
5) Yes, I've played fetch with the kids.
Oh yes I did just compare my kids to my dogs.
As time goes on I care less and less about a) what people think and b) what it means that I often treat my children like puppies. Before I had kids, I really did worry whether I would love them as much as the dogs. I even worried if I'd think my babies were as cute as puppies! (Needless to say, I do and did)
I read somewhere that an adult dog has the understanding and behavior of a 2 year old child. I'm not sure I buy that- now that I'm on my second 2 year old, I think the kids are smarter than the dogs. I do know my kids are kids and my dogs are dogs- the kids don't wear leashes, the dogs don't eat at the table- I can't say the kids don't eat out of the dog bowls, but I can say that's not where their dinner is served.
That said, there is some overlapping
1) I whistle for my kids (and my husband) in a crowd the same way I do the dogs. It works.
2) "reward the behavior you want" the dogs don't get the treat until they sit, neither do the kids.
3) I have often wished I had one of those treat cubes for the kids. These are recommended for dogs with separation anxiety, a treat is put inside a maze cube, and the dog pushes it around and works to get it out, and is therefore distracted from whatever its upset about. I have thought about getting one for them, but it kind of crosses the imaginary 'whats ok in my mind' line. This goes back to the kids smarter than dogs thing, too.
4) When H was a baby, I managed to silence the room in our mothers group get together by suggesting one of the moms shop at a pet store to find more of the squeaky toy her daughter was happily gnawing on.
5) Yes, I've played fetch with the kids.
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