post xmas

How can it have only been 2 days? I am in a time warp- feel like I've been gone forever and am still gone.

H's Christmas play was lovely. She was an angel, and she looked so beautiful in the polyester toga and Christmas trim halo costume they had her in. She was the first kid to walk to the stage, down the aisle of staring, doting paparazzi parents. She wasn't supposed to be first, but the girl who was freaked out at the last minute and her teachers said, "H! Go!" I held my breath, I wouldn't have gone! She gave me the H look, I don't know if there are words to describe it, but it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. It makes my eyes well up and my heart stretch. I wanted to take a picture, but I was frozen. The look involves a slight upturn of the head and a slight knowing smile/smirk. It brims of confidence mixed with a shimmer of doubt and a go ahead anyway push. And she walked. Slowly, confidently- she had the room silenced, and so many people came up to me and told me how gorgeous she looked. It was true. It was something else.

As for the Christmas run around. It always seems like it wasn't that bad once its over. A few days ago, though, it seemed that bad. S, for Christmas, got a fever. She was a trooper, but wanted to be velcroed to me. Christmas eve, I kept her with me and took her to bed with me, which I never do. I'm pretty hard core about bed time in ones own bed. But, H came in too, and the dogs, the girls and I slept (sorta) in a tangled fevery mess while J escaped to the bed H had left, where there was more room. Around 3 am I woke up and smiled- when I was a kid my sisters and I always slept in the same bed on Christmas eve (with a tangle of dogs)- I kind of liked the fact that H and S were together. I liked that I was there too, and was glad I can still crash the sisterhood.

Earlier that night, getting H to bed she said she couldn't sleep. I figured it was because it was Christmas eve and she was excited, and I was preparing my answer, but she said she couldn't sleep because she was wishing. "What are you wishing?" I asked "That S will be happy always."

H liked her guitar- its pink and J and I had fun customizing it with stickers. H's favorite part is that her name is on it. S liked her rocking horse- although her enthusiasm was dialed down by her fever. H smiled and said "I was wishing for S to get one of these" and again I almost cried. I was a little worried that H would be jealous that S's gift was physically bigger- but none of that.

In yet another Christmas flashback for me, I forgot to put H's Christmas stocking up all the way out of the way when we left the house, and there must have been a piece of chocolate left in it. The dogs chewed some decorations off, (unlike the dogs of my youth who would have eaten the whole stocking) but its hardly noticeable. I reached my hand inside the stocking to make sure it was empty before putting it away (ok, fine, I didn't put it away yet. But its out of dog reach) and there are all these bumpy things inside... googly eyes. I had put self adhesive googly eyes in H's stocking, and the dogs chewing to get the chocolate stuck them all to the inside of the stocking. So there I sat prying off eyes from the inside of the stocking, wondering if this is how "he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake..."

***
Exchange I just had with J:
"So do you have any interest in reading my blog or what?"
"Your WHAT?! You have a BLOG?! You're a BLOGGER?!"
"No, I'm not a blogger, I just have a blog"
"I feel like you just told me you were gay or something"
Hi, honey, if you've decided to read.