Ok. I think I have rewired myself, licked my wounds of overwhelmtion and kept my head in the sand long enough. My littlest baby turning 2 and a critique of my work on the same day proved to be all I could handle. That is pretty pathetic, and it wasn't the physical part that got to me, but the amount of head space required for me to give each of these things the attention they deserve is nowhere to be found. If it exisits at all, I'm not sure how to tap into it. It felt like Sophies choice.
I spend the day guilty because in my head I wasn't doing enough for S's birthday. Even though the other side of my head knows thats ridiculous, that I did plenty and that it doesn't mean I love her any less. (Oh sure, the head space is plenty big enough when it wants to be! All kinds of conflicting shit can fit in there, but art and kids together? Oooh... no room for that!) We are having a party tomorrow, but I am usually in excess birthday celebration.
On S's birthday I had planned to make chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. The night before while shopping for her birthday present (yes, The night before. I suck.) I saw a box of doughnuts and said to myself "Chocolate chip pancakes. Right." and bought the doughnuts. Then the present itself. S loves Yo Gabba Gabba, I found some plush figures from the show and got her 2 of them. One eyed Muno and unibrowed Brobee. H was with me, and arguing that I should get Foofa, the pink flowery girly one, that would be the one S likes, she said, but I actually said to H, "these are cooler." She disagreed, as she should have- and then somehow convinced me to buy her Foofa. S was excited by the presents, and began unwrapping Brobee but stopped suddenly when she caught sight of him, threw him across the table and said "SCARY!" and refused to open her other presents. But guess which one she likes. Foofa.
As for the critique, it was what it was supposed to be. I realized once there that I didn't so much want to know the direction I should go in with the work (yet) I just want some ideas of what the hell to do with it now. But that is not what a critique is for. The main reason I went was to meet the curator who was doing the critiquing, and for that I'm happy I went. It was also nice to spend time looking and talking about art. There were some great artists who showed work, and that was inspiring to see. Although part of me being inspired these days is to feel completely inadequate and a bit like a fraud as I spend most of my time cleaning up after kids and dogs and not every waking moment contemplating my art. Right now, for example, I am trying to contemplate contemplating art, and H is yelling at me about her puzzle box:
"IS THIS MADE OUT OF RECYCLE?"
"Its made out of cardboard, which you can recycle, but we're still using it"
"WHAT? IS THIS MADE OUT OF RECYCLE? IT HAS THIS" Pointing to the recycle symbol
"right, but you can't make something out of recycle. You can recycle glass, plastic, cardboard..."
"BUT ITS MADE OUT OF CARDBOARD"
We seem to have lost the volume button on H's 5th birthday.
Its been a long week. Fun, but long. We went to a carnival last night, tonight H has a birthday party. Tomorrow H has a t ball game and then we're having the family over for lunch for S's birthday. Somewhere in there I have to figure out my art game plan. Wouldn't it be nice if I could finish my website? And also make a birthday cake.