Wednesday, April 15, 2009

productivity issues

My stolen computer time has been lately split up between writing here, and working on my website otherwise known as the bane of my existence. And, ok, some facebook.

The website thing is making me crazy. I don't get it. I get it more than I got it, but only just. The way I get things is by jumping in, if I take the time to read the manual I'll get discouraged. Does this make me an idiot? Possibly. Especially since I think I have to re-get and redo what I got after reading the instructions after already doing it the way I thought it should be. And that takes more time that I don't have.

So thats the first problem, and I could conceivably work on that one. Slow down. Know what you're doing before you do it. Is that so hard? Well, yes. For me it is. But I have the instructions to make it work.

The second problem is much bigger. I can get all I want about how to make a website (and when I say 'making a website', I should be clear, I am uploading files to a template someone else has made. I know this is hardly 'making a website' but it doesn't take much for me to be confused and pulling my hair out about this stuff.) it doesn't make any difference at all how much I understand anyone else's template if I can't get past this feeling that I don't have enough work. I am trying to keep the blinders on and look at the work as files and not work- as in this is a whole body of work? I look at other artist's websites and see all the work they have, and all the shows they have had, all the future plans they have. They have news sections. I don't think I could pull off a news section right now, and I find that slightly depressing. This is where it gets dangerous and requires back talk on my part. I am so quick to go into the whole hand to the forehead why do I bother dramatic soliloquy.

The constant dilemma. I yearn to throw myself into this, do work all the time, promote it all the time. (but do I really? I think so. I don't know.) To apply for grants, to go do residencies for weeks at a time. Yearning or no yearning, I can't throw all of myself into anything due to the nature of my situation staying at home with the kids and all the hat changing that requires. I really do like it that way, want it that way. But. But. But.

I know I will bang my head against the wall re-reading this in the not so distant future. H is starting kindergarten in the fall and will be gone. all. day. I can't think about it. S is starting school 2 mornings a week in the fall. I will probably write about how I wish I could work but am paralysed by my babies not needing all that they need me for now.

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