Today is J and my 9th wedding anniversary. Crazy. Crazier still is that we were together for 10 years before we finally got around to getting married. So, as my mother pointed out today, I've known J for half my life.
I feel like a giant shit head for being as mopey and annoying as I have been all day. Life has been stressful, we are both busy. The downside of knowing someone for 19 years is the same is the upside- you just know. You don't always have to talk. But then someone like me can decide to freak out about sitting in silence and read all kinds of things into it. Someone like me can read not being kissed goodbye in the morning as a deep gaping evidence of all that is wrong with the universe and is not afraid to pout about it for the better part of the day.
Did J just stop by the playground when he knew we were there, stay for all of 5 minutes- make sure to kiss me goodbye as he headed back to work, to right the wrongs of the universe? Now thats 19 years of knowing a person. He just told me that he had planned to leave the flowers he brought me when he came home on the driver's seat of my car at the playground but "it turns out you do lock the car sometimes." Again H knew about this and kept it secret. Why does this freak me out?
I had planned to make us dinner. I make us dinner every night, but this was going to be a nice dinner. Candles, chocolate, I wasn't sure about the rest. But maybe some fish, some cocktails. Maybe I'd make some clams. I don't know what the hell happened. I couldn't decide what to make. I got side tracked. None of the fish at 2 different stores looked good. I got burgers. They sucked. I forgot to get cheese. I decided to have the dinner which by now was not remotely romantic, while the girls were awake- my original dinner was to be after I herded them off to bed. Then I wondered if maybe we should go out to dinner instead. When J came home (albeit late) carrying the flowers, a really nice card and chocolates, that are mint that he doesn't like, so unsharable chocolate, even, I hadn't even started my big nice master plan dinner. The girls were hungry, trying to eat the hinges off the refrigerator while I tried to cook. Basically it was your regular dinner chaos. I owe J a dinner.
We've been through some ups and downs over the last years. I can't believe it was nine years ago we were married. It doesn't seem that long ago at all. I know its a cliché but I am one of those lucky enough to be married to my best friend.
H decided to give us an anniversary gift, she wrapped up a small doll for J and a van with rainbows on it for me. She put a D on J's and a M on mine. She didn't even ask me where the tape was. She found a gift bag to put her wrapped gifts in.
Somethings changed around here with H, its like we're living with an actual self sufficient person. She is helpful. I mean, shes 5, its all relative. The other day, I was sure she had used all the band aids for adornment, despite my hiding them so they don't meet this fate. I actually needed a band aid so I asked H if there were any left. I wasn't expecting her to find one, I was just frustrated that I couldn't. She asked if I wanted Dora or plain, and then came downstairs with a band aid. I have no idea where she got it from.
For all of my worrying today about our life, the way we are, the decisions we make- what effect this all has on the girls- putting H to bed tonight she said "Mommy, I want to be two things when I grow up. At the same time." She said "I want to be a mommy and an artist. Just like you" Then she said "Mommy! Why are you hugging me so hard?"