I have been slowly, over the period of a few weeks, coming to the realization of something I've known all along. When I exert myself physically, I get the crazies out. I have held the "hey, what a coincidence, I feel great after mountain biking" next to the "Hmm, I feel kind of insane and a little bit like I can't go on when I don't get a chance to go mountain biking" and know that I do feel better when I'm able to work it out physically. Then I take that knowledge and ignore it. I was seeing a therapist for a while not all that long ago, until I reached the end my insurance allotment. The good doctor said, head lowered and looking at me over her glasses, with the conviction of a fortune teller, "exercise is going to be very important for you." Yep, I said. I know. And did more nothing about it.
Its taken me, oh, 5 years give or take to even try to get some kind of exercise regime going on. I am an excellent excuse maker. Today I took giant strides and passed my best excuse ever, leaving my kids in the child care room at the Y. I did it! I left S there while I took a spin class this morning. I went in, gave her a guilt cookie, and put her in a chair at the table. I came back and hour later and she was still in the same chair. I asked if she had been there the whole time- yes, she had. There was a tv on, so I hope she was distracted at least and not just sitting there frozen in fear of abandonment.
When H was a baby, probably 10 months old, I tried to leave her in the child care at the Y. I had to cancel my membership because I couldn't do it. She was walking at 9 months. I knew she wasn't going to sit in one of those excersaucer things- that were the fate of the other small kids there. She never sat still at all. Still doesn't. I was afraid she'd escape. Or eat all the tiny toys that were all over the place. There was one kid there eating raisins, which I had just learned were a choking hazard, another kid eating choking hazardous popcorn, and then... there was ham on the floor. These days I would probably just shrug and ask how a little floor ham is going to harm any one- but at the time that was the deciding factor.
They've re done the child care room- it pretty big, nice, has a lot of toys. There was no ham on the floor. S didn't cry, which was very awesome of her. Once I got back, she didn't want to go. Then she wanted to play and flipped her lid when I made her leave. I'm hoping she'll come to like being there, and will move past sitting in a chair for an hour. But, not bad for the first time ever being left in a room full of strangers. (my baby! I am fighting fighting fighting feeling horrible. I was doing really well, but forgot to concentrate on not feeling bad, and now I feel bad.)
Despite that last sentence, I am actually no where near as tense and stressed as I normally am by this time of the day. But I am exhausted. I am wondering if I need that craziness to propel me through the day. There is stuff everywhere, and I am making no motion to put anything away. I am not even delegating. I am waiting for the magic school bus to come on as eagerly as H is.
So, sane and exhausted, crazy with just enough energy to run around all day. Which is the way to go here?