Conspiracy

Last night, when Ruby woke me up by whining in my face because her covers fell off, I nearly lost it ALL the way. I got up for the countless time to silence the whining, to cover her up. Of all the whining in the night, hers is the easiest to stop- but WHY why why oh why am I getting up at night to swaddle the dog?

How has this happened? That my dog has trained me to wake up at night and cover her up?

Last night sucked all around for creatures getting to sleep. H and S were having a competition to see whose cry would be the one to break me. I was getting in that quiet prickly place where I stand very still in the living room and hope no one is looking through the windows in case I look as psychotic as I feel. After HOURS of H screaming that she wants to go in 'mommydaddy' bed, and S screaming because she wants me to hold her until shes fallen asleep (and how did THAT happen? That my child who has always gone to sleep on her own has trained me to hold her until she falls fast asleep? Don't even ask why I started the no mommydaddy bed thing- is it that big of a deal? I just want my bed. they've taken the rest.)

No! I wasn't having any of it. They would just have to scream and cry, I said. 45 minutes later I was hoping the neighbors hadn't called child services. It sounded so pathetic in here, sobs of MOM! MooooooMMMMEEEEE!!!

And the manipulation! H says "Mom, if you want me to stop crying, put me in mommydaddy bed." Well hells no, after that. I go into S who stops crying when I pick her up (which I wasn't going to do) and then points firmly to the rocking chair. I'd had it with both of them.

I called J who was working late, I haven't done this since H was a baby, but I needed him to come home because I was thinking horrid thoughts I won't even bring back into my head now.

J gets home, I had goddammit held S and she was asleep arg arg arg, H was still going strong. J's up there for 3 minutes at the most, comes down- all is silent. I asked what he said to her. "Oh, I put her in our bed."

Well. Why didn't I think of that.

I was too far gone at that point. I briefly considered going up and putting her back in her bed- but the silence was so nice, and I was too tired. She'd out stubborned me.

This morning, the first thing H said when she opened her eyes, "Mommy? last night? When you were downstairs? Daddy put me in mommydaddy bed" Yes, I say, I know he did. I thought I should say something else, but didn't know what it should be- so we dropped it.

So, in conclusion, I'm a huge pushover. When the dog whines for covers, it seems like a small price to pay. She goes back to sleep and doesn't sass me in the morning. But this is how it starts.

bad mood and freak show

I am in such a foul mood. The kind that feels like poison. I'm having images of tourettes, or rabies. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm frothing at the mouth. And the worst part is that there is no reason for this. Or, well, I don't know the reason for it.
I woke up tired again- and this is ridiculous, the girls slept until 8. I brought S into our bed at 6, but she went back to sleep until 8, and only kicked me a few times. I can't sleep all the way with the girls in our bed, though. It feels a bit out of body- I'm sleeping, I know I'm sleeping but I'm on some kind of heightened alert. H was up a few times during the night, I don't know whats going on with her, shes been waking up a lot. I'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that I said to another mom in our gym class, "shes a great sleeper now" I said it out loud and with confidence, with out a disclaimer, or knocking on any wood or even formica.

S is in some kind of velcro mode and won't. get. away. In a proud parenting moment I said "Whats going on with you freak show?" Of course H is on the floor laughing FREAK SHOW!? Fabulous.

Off to mend my mood.

Strobe lights, Bon Jovi and the moon

The ONLY thing I like about its being dark so early in the winter is that I just came down from getting the girls to bed and its 6:45.

Sometimes I have a pang of guilt when I come down and look at the clock. Sometimes I don't know what time it is when I start herding them upstairs. Sometimes I do. I feel extra guilty on nights like tonight when I don't give them a bath and can't even say its because its too late. I scrub the marker off their hands (and ears. and knees. and feet.) with a washcloth. Tonight I even tried to get the toothpaste that H put in S's hair (accidentally on purpose) with a washcloth. It didn't come out very well, but was an awesome mohawk gel. H was being a pest during the tooth brushing portion of the evening, as may have been indicated by the aforementioned toothpaste to the hair- she kept shutting the bathroom door and turning out the lights. Our bathroom is the size of a thimble to begin with- add myself and the two of them, the stepping stool- there's just no room. This could have gone two ways- I could have gone totally bat shit and lost my head screaming at her to turn the fucking light on and open the door, very easily in fact. Instead I carried on. The girls have toothbrushes that flash red light- in theory to get them to brush long enough- in the dark bathroom, they made a really cool strobe light. We danced around- it was very mosh pit-esque as there was no freaking room and we kept slamming into each other. Oh yeah, and S's mohawk.

Back in H's bedroom, S turned on the cd player. The girl is a serious music freak, she wants music all the time and dances like crazy. She's going to have dance routines soon, I know it. Dan Zanes started playing Hello, Hello, and Hannah says "Mom, can we listen to Bon Jovi?" WHHAAATTTT???????? She looked at me sheepishly and repeated "Mom, what does bonjour mean?" I don't know what so horrified me about Bon Jovi, other than having to suffer through more years of listening to Wanted Dead or Alive. (I have all Bon Jovi songs from every album etched permanently in my brain, along with the sound track from Annie, thanks to my sister, K) Have I scarred H from ever speaking french? Is she going to associate bonjour with freak out? "Bonjour, mademoiselle" "WHHAAATTTT?" I can see it now.

Then! And then! I'm recovering from that, and H says "Hey mom, look at this" I turn around and she has her bum in the air, shes mooning me! I couldn't help it, I cracked up (no pun intended) which means there will be many more moonings in my future. Not only that, but S caught on that it was funny, and she stuck her little diapered bum up in the air too. Two moons. Major not sleepy behavior ran rampant after that- the moon came out many more times until it really wasn't funny anymore.

next verse same as the first

This was not meant to be a sleep journal- but I can think of nothing else to say but how tired I am.

At the post office yesterday during my time at the counter, the clerk sighed and said twice "I'm so tired" to no one in particular. I thought- wow, I really don't care- and I usually care too much about random things like these. I actually thought "how boring to walk around saying how tired you are all the time." Yeah. And yet I go on. Sigh. I'm so tired.

One step forward two steps back keeping S out of our bed. She has never slept in our bed or expressed any interest in it until recently. I'd been bringing her in over the winter break, around 6, instead of just getting up like I usually do- she'd sleep until 7, or 7:30. Well, shes been waking up earlier and earlier to come in our bed. 2 am seems to be her preferred time. Where she used to just go back to sleep, now she leans and points out her bedroom door, squirms and growls. After much insistence and pissedoffery on my part, I've gotten her to go back in her own bed at 2, but when she woke up at 4:30 this morning, J was on his way out to take pictures, and couldn't sit with her-(and acting very defensively, "All I did was wake up!") I brought her in bed with me- I was too tired to resist and all my consistency went out the window. Was it worth the kicks of tiny heel to my eye socket? I don't think so. Will I regret tonight at 2 am? Ay-yuh.