Cooking porn

Its happened. S can open the refrigerator. Lock up your eggs, hide your catsup. Bolt down the milk, and don't even keep the yogurt in there anymore.

Yesterday, while my children ate an entire cantaloupe at one sitting, I re-marveled at what and the amount they eat. I remembered an idea I had a while ago to have a cooking with kids show. My plan was to film myself making dinner with my kids every night. I thought of it as porn for parents. My kids will often devour the raw ingredients as dinner is being made (no, I don't feed them raw meat, although they'd probably eat it). They eat uncooked pasta, molasses, whatever. Tonight, for example, H ate fist fulls of raw asparagus, and licked the onion I had just sliced, ate a lot of feta, and stuck her finger in the smoked paprika jar. (S was napping. But she actually ate the cooked version of the dinner. H was pretty full once the cooking part was done) I still think its a good idea, but I am massively uncomfortable in front of a camera, and I don't know the first thing about film or video. For now, I'll just continue to write about it.

Yes, my girls love food. And I love that they love food. They are fun to go out to dinner with.

Usually.

Last night, we all went out to dinner. It was a playing with fire dinner- we had a very busy day, full of activities that required restraint from the girls in one form or another. We had been to meeting, a children's book presentation, to the Y to sign up, and to an art opening.

We went to a bar that has good food- now that there's no smoking in bars here it makes it much easier to take your babies to bars. Not that I have always strived for this or anything- but sometimes nothing beats a dive. And if you have to drag your kids along, I'm ok with that. At the right dive. I imagine bar frequenters with out kids find this irritating, to have babies at the bar, but now that I have kids, I think we should all be tolerant. I won't give you stares for swearing in front of my kids, (although I might avoid you if you're doing jello shots) and you won't give me looks for bringing them and their entourage of stuffed animals and books and other distraction devices. Deal?

We got in, got a table. Ordered, began to relax as much as you can when dining with children. Then it happened. S decided to kick the table, and even though she is not even 2 yet, she would have knocked over the whole thing had J and I not steadied it. J had one hand on his plate of food, the other on the table, I had one hand on the table, the other grabbing S who was about to fall out of her chair. J and I both watched helplessly as J's full pint of beer teetered in slow motion before falling to the floor. Yes, we all wanted to crawl under the table, J and I to escape the situation, S and H because hey why not? Its dark and sticky down there. The whole thing went relatively unnoticed, between the bar noise and the fact that thankfully the pint glass just cracked instead of shattering. They were nice enough to not charge us for the spilt beer. Best of all was that J and I laughed instead of melting into a puddle of anxiety and shame and why do we bother going out ever anyway?

I'm not really sure why we bother going out anyway- but I'm glad we do.

Ralph Rocks! Really!

There are many things I do now on a daily basis that if told about years ago would never have believed I'd be doing. Like wiping runny noses with my bare hands and not even being grossed out by it. Yesterday I did one of those thing: I had a really good time at a kids rock concert.

I admit to a problem with music marketed to kids. I refused to purchase kids music for many years and made my kids listen to The Beatles and WXPN, a public radio station here that is really awesome. This is hardly torture- they liked what they heard- I didn't feel that I was creating a musicless void. I think it was the Christmas before last that my sister in law gave the girls a Ralph's World CD. She had interviewed him and thought he was great. We listened to it a few times, and then kind of forgot about Ralph's World. A few months ago, I found the cd, dusted it off, and thought wow- this is highly listenable, and enjoyable. The girls LOVE it, and I kind of do too. Its catchy as all get out, and I don't even mind that these songs are looping in my head.

I went online to see if Ralph's World had a new cd out, since we all love the one we have, but one of the 3 of us frequent listeners was getting just slightly hungry for some variation. Not only was there a new album, but Ralph's World had tour dates, and was playing here soon.

So we bought tickets, and H had been counting the days until the show. We bought the new cd, so we'd know the songs. H got fancy, (pink ruffled skirt, pink, white and black leopard tights, red short sleeved t-shirt on top of a long sleeved T with black owls printed all over. And silver sparkly shoes) We waited in line for the doors to open. It gave a complete new meaning to 'all ages show'.

I am a really big sap, who gets sappier as time goes on. The thing that makes me the most sappy lately is seeing people who do what they are meant to do, and do it really well. Seriously, Ralph was amazing, a great musician, great with kids, and really, really nice. He hung around after the show, to have his picture taken and sign T-shirts, or anything else you wanted him to sign. I was expecting him to be hurried, on to the next- but was there standing next to him long enough for me to feel completely awkward and not know what to say. (which really doesn't take long, but we were there for a while!) He got H to give him a high five- which is impressive- shes not a bit shy, but she's very skeptical of even awknowledging you until shes had some time to adjust. Although he read her enough to make me get in the picture with him too. Then someone in line volutunteered to take a picture, and this is what happened:


I already liked Ralph, of Ralph's World, but meeting Ralph and seeing him and the rest of Ralph's World in action- I may be in danger of becoming a kids rock star groupie.

You want it WHEN?

Why does everyone want it at the same time? Attention, money, lunch... its been all or nothing around here for so long. I am loosing layers people, I can only be at so many places doing so many things at so many times. I don't mean to sound like a superhero, but like most mothers I know, I have a healthy pride in my ability to multi-task. Its getting to the 'stop the world I want to get off' place, where the tasks I'm multiplying are morphing into one task and making a task sandwich. Growing into multi-task skyscrapers. I am rapidly approaching complete loss of sky.

I just called a credit card company to transfer the balance from a different credit card company- was on hold for 20 minutes. I can conceivably wait that long, but try getting a word in around here after 20 minutes of me not paying full attention to everyone. And H isn't even here! 20 minutes is the limit. I have 2o minute intervals to get anything I need to get done. And thats on a good day.

After 20 minutes of holding and listening to muzak, a very soft spoken woman came on the phone to ask why I wanted to transfer balances and so on. S has figured out how to turn the volume down on all the phones, and I'm not all the way sure I won't disconnect the caller if I turn it up, so I couldn't hear anyway. (Actually, I DO know it won't disconnect the caller, but what if? I can't spare another 20 minutes on hold.) Once off hold, the dogs who were out, wanted to come in, separately of course. That was 2 loud poundings and barkings at the door in the middle of me trying to recite account numbers. Once in they (loudly) ran around and chewing each others heads in excitement that its snowy and cold out. S cried (loudly) 2 seconds into the call, I had put sesame street on to try and extend my 20 minute window of accomplishment. Cookie Monster is now added to the growing list of things that scare S. (also on the list, Swiper Fox, Thomas the Train, and anyone on Word Girl)

I did somehow manage to transfer the balance, but I'm not entirely sure how.

This is just a blip in the day- but things are mounding. I'm waiting to hear if my work has been accepted into a show that ordinarily I wouldn't care about, but my work ship is sinking, I need a fix of positivity. The taxes, the taxes, the taxes. The fact that the tax preparation is directly linked to the financial aid process for H's potential kindergarten. The fact that it is all out of my control. Things are just flying around where the current takes them, I am standing here pretending I have 8 arms and a giant butterfly net to bring things into balance. Pretending I'd know what to do with these things if I could catch them in the first place.

Fake it until you make it? I am the picture of calm. I have it all an arms length away. I only need 2 arms. I only need one tax form, I only need one kindergarten. Its not working.

Winter mix

Another snow day. But its early and we've already been outside which bodes well for my sanity. Its sunny, and the snow is light and powdery.

I owe the girls some decent sledding- and this is the perfect snow for it. Yesterday, when the snow started I got a bit premature about the sledding and took them to the park after picking up H at school. It was warm, (for February) the snow wasn't sticking, and the park was muddy. The snow was acting like rain- we were the only ones in the park. Thats ok, I'm happy to be crazy mud sledding mom. There was a woman walking by as we were getting out of the car- she had a huge coat with a hood that she could barely poke her face out of, and she was carrying a large painting that looked like it came from a thrift store. She smiled and I defensively said, "I know, I'm crazy being out in this" she assured me, "no, you're not crazy, I did the same thing with my kids." Nice to know I have company. I'll remember that next time I decide to take my painting for a walk in the snow.

My question now, do we walk to the park?

***
In my usual half assed scatterbrained way, I forgot I was writing this, left it unfinished, and walked us all to the park.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

It was pretty awful. The way there was fine- once at the park the snow was deep and hard to maneuver. There were big kids snowboarding- although they were pretty good- aside from yelling FUCK really loud all the time. I think I will never take S sledding again. What I needed was another grownup- I didn't have enough hands or pressence of mind to handle the deep snow, 3 sleds (one toddler sled and 2 small slider things- 3 sled sounds like much more than it was. But THREE sleds! Uphill both ways!) and every ones gloves and hats that kept flying off at odd intervals. I couldn't really sled with S, and our "sleds" (the slider things) suck. S was bored, she was cold, she thought we were going to the playground, (this I deduced from the arched back screaming and pointing all limbs in the direction of the playground. Genius) S wouldn't keep her mittens on. Her nose was running. The wind was blowing snow from the trees into her face. She was pissed. S is not one to be pissed quietly, so she started to FREAK the fuck out. I knew she was just mad, but the parents on the hill thought surely she had frostbite, or had lost a limb, or maybe I'd forgotten to feed her for days. They were sure she was being tortured. And thats what she was telling everybody, who are they to not believe her? S was so convincing that I started to worry that something was very wrong, so I fled the hill. The walk of shame, down the sled hill, praying you don't fall down the hill or get hit by a snow boarder.

H by the way, was fabulous. She was sledding like a pro, hitting jumps, going backwards, having a blast. I really wanted to sled with her, next time we leave Miss buzz kill at home. Luckily, just before S's freak out, I trusted the premonition I had and told H that was her last trip down the hill, so when I met her at the bottom, at least she didn't freak out. H did insist on being pulled in the sled S had been riding in, but was now refusing to sit in, she was also refusing to be put down. H wouldn't get out of the sled. I nearly threw myself on the ground at that point- go on! save yourselves! I can't make it..much...further... but I pulled it together- forced H out of the sled, forced S into the sled, which thankfully has a belt. I gave H the sternest look I could muster and growled that she better stop whining, then made her feel guilty that something may be wrong with her sister- (I really was doubting S just being mad at that point) and I dragged us home. Very, very, very loudly. We got in, S was ok- nothing very wrong with her at all, she was just tired of being there. And pissed.

But heres the thing, I don't trust my judgment sometimes, in my eagerness for everyone to just push through and deal with their discomfort. When do I stop? Oh you're fine it just a surface wound. Oh you're fine you still have 4 fingers left... I can't sift through the wolf crying.

Hours later I was coming home from taking H to the dentist (and buying cat food*) and my neighbor says, "ya go sleddin?" He saw me leave, he knows we went sledding. I have to acknowledge the screaming he heard all the way down the block. I say that S didn't have any fun at all. "yeah, she's too young for that" he says. Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, not to young to sled, but too young to appreciate our sledding mission. But H had fun, and for that it was worth it. And I couldn't possibly bore the neighbors.


* I hate buying cat food. Its the least frequent food I need to buy, but for some reason I am always inclined to feed the cat scrambled eggs, cereal, anything, to avoid buying more cat food. In the pet food aisle, we had to say hi to EVERY kitty and doggie we saw, on every can, on every bag. H says to S, "Can you believe all this stuff made from kitties?"

not a haiku

School
costs money
dont have it
have to apply for it
have to wait for the forms
have to pay for the forms
have to send the forms
probably should write a letter

I am having a hard time having one thought at a time.

kindergarten-da-vida, baby

The stress of kindergarten. The school in the woods open house was ok- sounds so quaint, but its not all that quaint. Its muddy and a lot of the staff have lyme disease, apparently. Anyway- in and out, down the pot hole strewn road, got the application and the number assigned to it. Learned that the 200 or so of us there were competing for 13 spaces.

I don't know that I liked it there anyway. The school is set in 300 or so acres of woods, (which I DID like) the push of the school is science, they are big on the environment, the kids hike for hours- that all sounds great, but it seemed like all they do. I like tadpoles, but I don't want to do my reading, math, science, art, do they have music? all about tadpoles. I think I would stop wanting to learn anything if I had to relate it all to a tadpole. I love, love, love the woods, I am not anti science, or anti environment- or anti tadpole- but the school did not seem so well rounded to me.

It was a reunion of most of the people I know, who I have been sharing kindergarten stress with. Public school? private school? Financial aid for kindergarten? Everyone with their version of the same stress, their babies starting kindergarten in a city where the public school system is broken. I really like the kids H goes to pre-K with and I'm sad that they are all scattering to different schools.

The public schools around here are ok, but I don't think they're good enough. I've struggled with just saying that, but there I said it. I worry that I'm not being realistic, I worry that I'm over sheltering. Or that I'm stereotyping. Or that I'm not being true to the community feeling that's snuck up on me from living here for longer than I meant to. Or that I'm part of the not-my-child problem with the public education system. Mainly I worry that I don't know what I'm talking about. I hate the idea that with private school you're paying for who your kid goes to school with. Although there is some truth to that, I have come to learn you can always find an asshole somewhere. Just as you can find a saint in a shit hole.

Going to these open houses is like going through the motions to me. I know where I want H (and later S) to go to kindergarten. I have no doubts, save for how I will pay the tuition for this school. H has been accepted to the school, I should hear about financial aid soon, in a week or two. Its a friends school, where my family, and now MY family, as is US, WE, have been going to meeting. My mother and grandmother are Quaker, they have been going to meeting at the meeting house associated with this school since the 40's. I was raised Quaker- and its only now that I'm realizing the truth to that. I've said for as long as I can remember that I was raised Quaker- but that was mostly my yearning to say I was raised something. I didn't know that I really was raised Quaker until I started going to meeting- it was all so familiar, and felt so right. Sitting there in silence with people who felt the same way I do, not about everything certainly, but who care about a lot of the same things I do. I sat there thinking, Wait! Am I going to be one of those people with the inner peace? I feel inner peaceful! So, there, now I've said that, too. I am apparently a Quaker. And am excited to raise my girls Quaker, too.

Jungle fevah

Last night in the bath, and again this morning, H has been singing, loudly, "Jungle feeevvah...jungle fevah" with a little hip shake and hair toss. I KNOW its innocent (enough)- but I am at a loss for how to handle this, or if it needs to be handled at all. I'm thinking it doesn't- but shes already asked me if I know about jungle fever- what if she starts asking around? Thanks a lot Spike Lee.

Perchance you are wondering where a child of 4 would hear a song about jungle fever. I'll tell you from where. From the toddlers favorite sing along version 3 CD that my mother in law gifted the children. So they can learn all about jungle fever. You should hear the x-rated hokey pokey on this CD! The part where you put your back side in and shake it all around? This creepy guy comes into the song at that point and says "Oh Yeeaaaahhh, I like the hokey pokey! Heeeeeheeeeeheee" I'm telling you, its not right.

***
In other news, I am going to an open house tonight at a charter school in the woods. They think they are the cats pajamas AND the bees knees at this place, and you must attend their open house and presentation on how great they are before you can wrestle the other desperate mothers of kindergartners to be for an application for one of the 10 spots they have available. And yes, it really is in the woods. Down a dark winding road. Well, its not so dark in the day time of course- its not the blair witch school. I am in the midst of the kindergarten freak out. More about that soon. Really. More than you want to know.