Lost. One mind. Reward.

I have officially and completely lost my mind. It started, or rather the sanity ended, after I dropped S off at school today to her "I...WAAAANNNT....MOOOMMMEEEEEE.. " wails that continued through the building while I walked upstairs to drop H off at her class, and then continued still as I walked back down the stairs, thankfully out of view, and around the corner to the parking lot. I have been fighting the urge to call and ask if shes stopped crying, because if they tell me she hasn't I'm not sure what will happen but am pretty sure it will involve my stomach being flipped inside out.

I decided to go grocery shopping. I mentioned in an earlier post how this was against my new rules of how time should be spent while the girls are in school. I may have to edit the rules as I keep breaking this one. I have also mentioned in earlier posts how much I abhor grocery shopping with my children, S in particular. Like here. But today, I felt lost. I watched all the moms (and all the nannies) with their kids, shopping at Trader Joes- the girls were all in pretty dresses. They were all calm. Lovely. Helpful. I missed my girls, both of them, but especially the little one who I am not used to leaving, or doing anything with out. It is not until right now, as I'm writing this, that I realize that if S was with me, she would not be sitting pretty in her dress while we shopped. Well, she'd look cute as hell, but she'd be rampaging about something. Throwing herself out of the cart. On to the floor. Banging her pretty little head. The patrons would have tsked and given me those looks that I hardly notice anymore. I would have left unfinished and frazzled. But somehow, despite all this, I really wished she were there. And that is why I have lost my mind.